Thursday, July 24, 2008

Revelations

I've come to some very important revelations in my life lately and I'm putting them in this blog so that I don't forget and don't lose focus on them.

#1 God's plan is what's important. After all that I've been through, I still somehow get this false idea that I know what's best for my life. Well, maybe not that so much as in my desire to want things now, not later, which, in a sense, is saying that I don't trust God and his perfect timing. My plan's would just lead to catastrophe. If I don't make a certain amount of money or own a home or have fully figured out what I want to do with my life, work-wise that is, so what. I'm single and still, fairly, young so I can enjoy life as it stands now. In just 5 weeks, I will have my "mystery" credit card paid off and then I'm going to save up for a motorcycle. By next spring, I will be cruising around in joy.

#2 Life is full of unexpected twists. Sort of like when you found out Bruce Willis was a ghost. Life has those twists. As I look like, what seemed like a major life catastrophe a couple months ago really wasn't that important. Better to break up than end up with the wrong person. Without seeming to bash her in any way, I'm really glad that it ended. Our personalities did not match and I would rather be single the rest of my life than marry someone who would drive me crazy and I'm sure she feels the same way.

#3 People with issues are not fun times. Being somebody who has been labeled as somebody with "issues" in the past, and maybe still am by some crowds of people (who don't know me, of course, because they are the best judges of who I am inside...), I have looked myself in the mirror and have begun to see somebody different. Facing who you are and accepting it is a very important step in life and growth, emotional, mental, and spiritual. Guess what? I get angry. So do lots of people. It's what makes me the person I am. But what makes me a man is how I handle that anger. Guess what? I'm a couple pounds over weight. But I've quit smoking 4 times. And I definitely eat a LOT more fruits and vegetables than I did a year ago. And now that I've got some medicine for my stomach, I can go back to the gym. I want to be one of those people without issues. Or at least the major ones. Find me somebody without issues and I'll give you a million bucks.

#4 Life can hit you hard. Why do we fall down? So we can pick ourselves back up again. That quote from Batman Begins is just awesome. Life will hit and it hits hard. It doesn't wear boxing gloves or hold its punches. This is a bar brawl and somebody will end up in the ER, if you know what I mean. But what do we do when life hits us. In the past 3 months, I've gone through a lot. A break-up with somebody that I was convinced I was going to spend the rest of my life. I mean, I've never really looked at rings before. Tim and Andrea are leaving and "my" boys are going with them. I've been watching their kids since Riley was tiny and before Ethan could walk. My nickname, R.J., comes from Ethan and is confusing J.R. with the raccoon from Over the Hedge, haha. Now, everybody is starting to call me R.J. They've been an awesome part of my life, their whole family. My brother is getting married and though I am extremely excited and happy for him, it is sad in some ways. Though I have come to embrace being single and really enjoy the benefits that comes with it, I still long for a family.

#5 Life can be fun no matter where you are at. We had an awesome cookout on Tuesday night for Tim and Andrea leaving. I got to know Elaina and her bro, Andy, some more. I got to see pregnant Jessie Burkman, whom I haven't seen in well over a year. Fun times. A buddy of mine is back playing WoW and I still have a blast owning nubs with my clan. Life is what you make it and you can either mope around (which rarely do these days) or you can go out and have some fun. I'm planning on buying a motorcycle this year unless I move out to CA. If I do that, which I'm considering, I will need moving money but once out there, I can buy a bike and ride it year round. No snow, the ocean, the desert, Arnold as my governor, could be lots of fun. We'll see what God has planned.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Life's a Drag

No, I'm not bringing back my lame comic. Sorry.

Life has been ubermundane and boring. Work, video games, work, Lifeline, work, D&D, work, video games, work, video games, video games, work other job, sometimes church, video games, work other job. So I do basically the same thing every week. This Saturday I actually had a wedding to go to and I was the odd man out. Kate and Charlie, Erinn and Adam, Dave and Sarah, and then me. I could have had a date but who really wants a fake date. If I'm single, I'm gonna be single. And I wore jeans to the wedding. Yes, I'm that lazy. You have to pay me to dress up on a Saturday.

Every week, I get more sick of everything. Not in a twisted, psychotic sense, of course, but just in a sense that it's all the same and we are striving after nothing. It's not a wonderful life. It's really boring and full of trials and struggles. I honestly believe that if we did not escape, we would not be able to handle it. At least, that's the way it is for me.

And I've realized that after all that has happened, though for the best, I now carry the burden of not being able to trust people. Mostly females but I've noticed myself drawing away from others in general, regardless of sex. I have friends online that I game with but those are not what I would consider deep, lasting friendships. I have zero motivation to solidify and build on relationships. All that means is that you open the door wider for them to hurt you.

The future is not bright. It is meaningless.

Apart from God, there is no point in living.

I'm a huge idiot for expecting something more. For hoping the pattern would change. For desiring more. For wishing for change. For actually believing I could be different. It doesn't matter how hard I try, I can only change so much. I should just settle for letting this husk fade away until it's time to move on.

One last try...

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Meh

I have a huge headache. And this big stomach acid problem which doesn't seem to go away. Prilosec and Prevacid both failed to work. I looked up some information on stomach acid and there's a lot of aspects of my lifestyle that don't do much to help that. Caffeine, pop, and stress, all of which have been extremely plentiful in my life. I can take of the first two with little problem but the last one is not so easy. I need to get my resume together and find the easiest job in the world.

I'm thinking Gamestop but... who knows. I'm a couple months shy of 30 and I still have no idea what I want to do with my life. I've come such a long way on this journey and I still feel as if I'm at square one in most areas. What a disappointing life it has become. For a couple months there, I got a taste of what I wanted my life to be, of what it could become. But some pieces to the puzzle didn't fit but that's alright.

I'm not sure what else needs to change. I'm stuck in the same old rut again, the same depression, the same locked-in-my-room life. Not that I'm anti-social, I actually chat with a lot of people while I'm gaming but I have no desire to go out and do things, other than maybe see an occasional movie with my family. Ya know the married couples that just vanish once they get married and you see them maybe once a year... that's me... but I'm single.

Which brings me to my next point. This is the first time in my life that I can say I don't want a relationship and don't plan on having one for awhile. Though part of that depresses me, another part of me says good riddance. I just couldn't bring myself to trust someone else at this point. And in many aspects, it is a much better path. Lonely, but peaceful and much less frustrating. I only have myself and my own life to worry about, no one else's.

Also, I've come to accept the fact that I'm pretty much a huge failure at relationships. Some optimists might say I haven't met the right girl yet and she'll come along one day and I'm still really young and those relationships weren't meant to be. After seeing so many girls I hung out with or dated get married shortly after we parted ways... yeah, I would have to look at myself in the mirror and say that I'm to blame. My dad and I agree on the fact that there is no such thing as a "soulmate". My dad pointed out that he knew of a man who was married 3 times. His first two wives passed away. Was just one of those women (the first) his soulmate? So did he travel down a wrong path by marrying the other two? Or were all 3 his soulmates? And isn't that contradictary in a sense?

Anyways... I don't even know if the goals, dreams, and aspirations I had for so long are even worthwhile pursuing. I don't want to spend time and energy getting to know anybody else... just to have it blow up in your face or find out they aren't interested in you anymore. I feel too old for that. The dating seen is for younger people. I just don't have the energy to invest in it and I'm 100% positive whatever relationship I did pursue, would just end eventually. Well, as it stands now, I'm pretty dis... gusted that I can't think of the dis word that I'm looking for. Dishearted? Disinterested? Disenfranchised? Disavowed? Discouraged?

I'm just rambling now cuz I don't feel good and I'm super stressed out. So, I'll sum it all up...

#1 I want a job that does not stress me out, that if I don't look forward too, I at least don't dread. A job that pays my bills and covers life's unexpected surprises like car repairs and medical bills without forcing you to work two jobs.

#2 I want upward mobility. I don't want to go to school for 3 years to get a master's just to be gauranteed 2k more per year. No thanks.

#3 I have come to enjoy being single for the most part. It isn't the present that depresses me but what I expect the future to hold, as represtented by the past. Perhaps that is doubting God and the blessings he is willing to send my way now that I'm focused on him. But I'm a pessimist. I'm sure he's working on that. So, in a sense, I would like to move onto the next stage in life. But I don't think I have what it takes. And I have yet to meet a person, outside of my parents, who can put up with seeing me on a bad day.

#4 Or behind door #4, I could die in my sleep tonight and be in heaven and have all my stress, worries, sicknesses, and fears taken away. No, I absolutely do not have any sort of suicidal desires or tendencies but I'm at a point where I would not complain if today was my last day on Earth. I know where I'm going and all is worthless apart from God. But I've been here before...

Thursday, July 3, 2008

High Fives!

Life has been crazy. Work is super stressful and now that I have two jobs, it's even more to deal with. But magically, I ended up with several hundred more dollars in my bank account than I was expecting. If I could not view my credits and debits online, I would honestly wonder if God was not dumping money into my bank account. Even with my first payment on my "mystery" credit card that came out of nowhere, I still have a LOT in the bank. It's crazy.

I have 19 kids now and I'm supposed to have 12-15 so that is not fun times. I love the kids but it's stressful. Plus, we are integrating a whole new database management system. And God is showing me a bunch of stuff I need to work on when it comes to dealing with authority. Who knew, right? :P To be willing to change and come to accept the trials in your life is one of the absolute hardest decisions you can ever make. When one thing ends, another begins. But it brings with it a peace that cannot be found anywhere else. Nothing feels as good as having a clean conscience. And that is very difficult to obtain, considering that we sin constantly.

It's amazing how we can look behind us and see how some curses were really blessings and how some blessings were really curses. It's insane! Life can flip-flop so quickly and show that everything you knew was completely false.

I'm going to purchase a motorcycle for my 30th birthday. I've been reading Wild at Heart and I figure that if I'm single at this age, don't have much of a career, I will definitely have some fun. I am going to accept life for what it is and focus on myself and changing who I am. I will not be the meek slave, cowering in the corner, afraid to face tomorrow. I will be the warrior, sword in hand, fighting the battle that few attempt to fight. And while all of this is raging around me, I'm sure gonna do my best to have fun while I'm here.

Soooo... I got my permit, started learning on Adam's dirtbike. I'm thinking either a Honda Nighthawk, Shadow, or Magna. The old Kawasaki KZ1000s are cool! Those low, old bikes look awesome! I'm definitely thinking Honda though. Honda car and a Honda bike.

And D&D 4th Edition came out! Not to mention Diablo III got announced! Yes, I'm a huge nerd...

High fives!