What we do in life...

...echoes in eternity. I haven't much of a desire to blog but considering the "avid" following I have, consisting mostly of me, myself, and I, it doesn't matter a whole lot. I ended my wonderful relationship with Kelly. A specific reason still eludes me. It was the most amazing relationship I've ever been in and she was incredible. I just did not have a peace about moving to New England, something felt wrong when I prayed, and I felt uneasy about traveling there for vacation in March. I still have no reason why other than I believed it's what God wanted. I had two choices, to either follow his plan or do my own thing and I already know how the latter turns out.

Either way, I am absolutely and entirely determined not to give God any reason whatsoever to not bring a woman into my life so I'll spend this time to write, focus on growing, and to put my complete trust in him, knowing that his plan is better than mine. It always has been and always will be. Maybe I'll squeeze some exercise in there too since I just got a completely free elliptical machine! 70 lbs sounds like a lot though... :'(

But life is really great actually! I leave for San Diego on Friday to visit Chad since I had a plane ticket that was non-refundable. Southwest rocks because I changed my flight the day before I was scheduled to leave with zero penalties. I don't have a lot of friends, partially by choice since I do my best to stay away from bars and those types of friends. And most of the rest are married or much younger than me. I could use some more adventures but at the same time, I'm kind of a homebody so I'm usually satisfied to spend most of my weekends at home. I go to breakfast with my dad and visit my parents.

Oh, and I've changed churches. The person I was a year ago is a lot different than me now and looking back two, five, ten years back, that was a completely different person and I've attended my church since I was 9. People frequently judge others or view them from what they've heard from other people or witnessed in the past. It's nice to attend where hardly anyone knows me and doesn't have any preconcieved opinions of me. :P And church on Saturday nights means my whole Sunday is free. And I don't want to go to see people, but go to hear a good message and participate in some great worship.

The fat, old man...

It's Been a While...

I haven't updated my blog in a while sooo... there isn't much going on. Still with Kelly. We've known each other for 8 1/2 months and have been together (going out, dating, or going steady as my mom would say) for 6 1/2 months. My longest relationship which probably sounds short to some people, some might even say it's not a surprise, especially people who "know" me based on stories and impressions from other people, but it merely means I've met somebody that matches with me pretty well. Thanks eharmony. She has an excellent way of saying the right thing that would put me at ease if we are arguing instead of saying something akin to pooring gasoline on a fire.

This past 2 week vacation out in New Hampshire has really made me think about how soon I want 3 kids in my home but she comes with 3 kids. I can't have her without them. Not that they aren't great kids but I will be skipping several steps a lot of other couples have. Getting married and then having an empty home for a while and then gradually you introduce children into the mix. I will jump from single bachelor to being married (a big change as is) with three children in the home. Anyways, it's a long way off. I need to seriously start looking for work out there and then once I relocate, the next steps can be looked at.

We still have a lot of time to get to know each other. I used to want to rush everything but now that I see it form a new perspective, anybody who spends a couple weeks or months together and then gets engaged and married quickly is just asking for problems later on. I'm not saying God can't bless that union but the more time you take in the relationship now, the more you are ready to face the challenges of marriage. But everybody is different. I've seen friends get engaged after a month together and now they have a small boy and are missionaries in Indonesia. Pretty cool...

My roomate is a bum. We made a deal that he would cook meals for me every now and then cuz he's an awesome cook and I would pay for toilet paper, paper towels, water and garbage, and salt for the water softener. He's cooked once in a month and a half. And he doesn't clean... which didn't bother me so much last year but this year I'm more motivated to keeping my house a little cleaner. I'm getting tired of living in bachelor filth, to be quite honest... but it's hard to clean when the roomate doesn't. He complained about spending 2 minutes the other day to clean out moldy food from the refrigerator? Really?

My mom's heart surgery went well. Her valve was repaired successfully without needing to use any cow parts (that's right, cow parts). She had a collapsed lung but they said it was not unusual for that type of surgery and she came home yesterday after 6 days in the hospital. It kind of worried me since she is 59 and getting older but God watched over everything and it went great. I'll be working from home tomorrow because she can't be alone for about 2 weeks and my dad has to work.

But anyways, life is kind of the same routine. Keep having my devotions, meeting with Wally, attempting to change the areas I am weak, become a better friend, boyfriend, employee, and Servant of Christ. It's not always easy to talk about and share with people since I'm not the preaching type but maybe as I grow, more people will see my actions and the way I am...

J&K

It's a little unsettling being in this wonderful, healthy relationship that I've found myself in. I don't know if it's my maturity, spiritual growth, or finding somebody that fits with my personality. A combination of all three is probably correct (though my level of maturity may be up for debate).

I haven't talked about her, and us, a whole lot, more out of a fear for it inevitably ending and then having everyone around you watch it fail. When in the past I've wanted to "show off" who I was with, in this one I've been much more tight-lipped about it, haven't introduced her to my friends or coworkers, etc. Maybe cuz so many have failed in the past.

The approach for this one has been handled differently. A foundation of spiritual growth has really been established and we are open and communicate frequently on our relationships with God. We are going through a devotional guide together which encourages some of these conversations.

It's definitely forcing me to trust in God and his plan because there are numerous parts to it that require his help, such as transitioning from a single bachelor to husband and father of three (which is hopefully far away...). I'm definitely not in a rush to move into either of those roles. Step #1 is finding a job in NH and potentially moving there but I've been reluctant to head in that direction. The past places a healthy fear on the future, in other words.

Anyways, it's been incredible so far...

The Worst Week on Record

It's a mild exaggeration but this week has sucked. Someone in Canada, of all places, decided to make a copy of my debit card and took $192.18 out of an ATM from my account. So Tuesday morning, I get a call from Chase bank (51% shares owned by the devil) automated system to tell me they detected a suspicious transation (which they let go through anyways). I was really caught off my guard that somebody had obtained my card information AND my pin number... but it was more shocking that one of the chimpanzees sitting at a Chase computer had detected it.

NOTE: I ordered some products online, I think from newegg.com, at one point and Chase BLOCKED the transaction and I had to call and verify it. So far, two questionable transactons. They blocked the legitimate one, conducted by me, but allowed the fake one to go through, not conducted by me. Awesome, Chase, awesome.

So I asked the lady, in the nicest possible way and by nicest I mean I was getting pretty irritated and upset, how it was possible that I was using my debit card in Indiana (in the United States) while at the same time that same debit card was being used to withdraw money from an ATM (in another freaking country!). She, of course, had no idea and referred me to claims and said that I would have to be mailed a dispute letter to sign before I could get my money back. When I mentioned that I might need the money that day, she said that would not be possible. Good thing I didn't have any bills due or something important, like my rent. So she transfers me to claims and I was on hold for 20min before I gave up and called the fraud line back (whatever # showed up on my caller ID).

The next lady I get offers up the same copy-and-paste answers and is no help and in the middle of me talking, transfers me over to the claims line (after I told her I was on hold with them for too long and that's why I was calling the fraud number back).

The third lady I spoke with was much nicer and put up with my delightful attitude and explained that once the transaction posted, then I could call and get it taken care of quickly either that evening or in the morning. She also said when Chase found out how they got my information and pin number (which not even my parents know), they would let me know.

The next day when I spoke with the claims department, they immediately credited the money to my account without mailing or faxing a dispute paper for me to sign. But then they asked ME how somebody got my information and then told me I had to go to the police who would subpoena the ATM footage and work with Canadian police.

Needless to say, depending on which employee you talk to, they will each tell you something completely different than the next employee.

This all coming from a company that once charged my bank account (without telling me, of course) for another account which was in the negatives and I had attempted to take care of 5, yes FIVE, months earlier but a Chase employee told me the balance had been taken care of. Oh, and on top of it, after Chase charged my account without telling me, the amount put me in the negatives and they tried charging me $128 for insufficient funds fees. Then, nobody apologized at all and made up excuses like 1. that would never happen (from a Chase manager), 2. a letter probably was sent out but you didn't receive it yet (I never received a letter letting me know they were withdrawing money from my account and then when it put me in the negatives, were going to charge me more money for something that was their fault), 3. you suck and we hate you because you are a stupid customer and you don't make a lot of money, thus meaning Chase doesn't make a lot of money from interest.

Also see http://kiwimoncur.blogspot.com/2009/10/oh-dont-worry-its-just-money-your.html

The World Revolves Around Me

I don't really blog anymore. Mostly because my life is just too awesome to put into words on the internet. And I can't help it if the world revolves around me. I fought it for years but then the results came back and I tested positively for being the center of the universe.

A 2 year old recently told me I was too big to roll the ball too as I sat across from her. I told her comments about my weight were unnecessary and rude and she needed to do some serious thinking about the direction her life was taking.

My credit card balance is zero. This was not due to payments that I was making but because I ran into Captiol One's CEO and the power of my charisma forced him to delete all money that I owed on my credit card. My card also changed from platinum to Center of the Universe status in my wallet later that night.

I haven't had alcohol in many months. That is because the only thing that can get me drunk is Mountain Dew.

I no longer have to go to the bathroom as my body is "Green". It uses alternative fuels and produces no waste.

Every song by The Sword was written about my accomplishments and yes... I did slay the spider priest.

Focus

Man, I absolutely CANNOT focus at work today... at all. Must be my new addiction. I need Fallout 3 rehab. Bethseda is taking up way too many hours of my life that I should be spending doing productive activities like... playing other video games.

It might be time for some sort of change. I can't focus at work. I feel stifled, smothered, as if life is choking... well, the life out of me. My creativity and overactive imagination can't wrap itself around contact notes and monthly reports and treatment plans and medication and therapy issues and transport schedules. I don't really want to do anything at all anymore. Sitting at home is my favorite pasttime.

Part of it is due to my area in life. Not in a singles group, not quite in a newly married group, changing up some of my friendships. Though there are still people that mean a lot to me, I feel forced to limit my time with them. Perhaps it's a part of me "growing up" in a sense while this other part of me is fighting it all the way. That sounds much more complicated than what is actually happening, haha... It would definitely be nice to find a niche that I fit but as of right now, that's not occuring. I'm not aggresively looking for one because I'm not quite sure it actually exists.

Life is pretty good. I new career choice would be fantastic. Working with kids is great but that amounts to such a small percentage of what I actually do. Everything else about the job is just... draining. But I won't leave this job unless some incredible offer comes along and I have yet to encounter an incredible offer in my short 30 years.

Kelly visited last week and met the parents and we just hung out and had a great time. I really wished I lived closer though so that I could build relationships with the 3 kids. But I'm sure that will be at a later date. I'm going to drive there again at the beginning of September when I hit my 2 year mark and get all my new PTO days.

I've also given some serious thought to this relationship. If, for some reason, it ends then I'm probably going to opt for some extended hiatus. I'm not planning on it ending but I've been there before. Things are actually going great and eharmony works. Maybe I'll be doing a commercial someday. As of right now, I need to update the resume and start looking for work in NH. Not really in a rush though since I want to make sure we put some more time into getting to know each other and developing an awesome relationship. Man, time flies though. We met at the end of April and it's almost September already. I feel like I just turned 30 and I'll be 31 in no time.

Live Free or Die...

2 Years...

I've been at my job for almost 2 years now. September 4th will be the date... I'm only counting cuz I get more PTO days which is really the important. Since our society places such little importance on taking care of children, we don't get paid a lot. Not really White's fault, more of the government's fault but hey, who needs money? I live well below my means so I can go out and buy stuff when I want and my demands are pretty small. Some people have extremely expensive hobbies - I play video games. And now that I have Netflix, my DVD purchases have greatly decreased.

There hasn't been much reason to blog lately. It's seems like when life is really good, it's seems pointless to write about it. And I think I've changed a little on how I want people to view my life. I guess I do a lot more in my life now for me, not considering as much how people will receive it.

Kelly and I have been together for about a month and we talked nonstop for two months before we even met. I pestered her with a LOT of questions before we even met, haha. But the trip there was great. Her kids are awesome. I'm a little uncomfortable around Anna, her 9 year old girl, maybe cuz I never really had a sister or any other family members who were female other than my mom. Not sure how to really connect with her. Aiden is 7 and loves playing wii and the Lego games so I easily know how to connect with him. Then there is Ava, the firecracker of a 3 year old. She said some hilarious things while I was there.

Dinner was over one night and I said I had to go the bathroom, to Kelly, who was holding Ava. Ava perks up and yells out so that everybody in the house could hear "Do you have to pee or poop!?" At that age, it's more of a time question than anything else. They want to know when you'll be back.

Then we were eating breakfast one morning, just sitting there, quiet, and out of nowhere Ava looks up at me with a questioning look and says "Are we gonna party or what?"

At one point, she picked up my phone and loudly asked "Why is my mom on your phone?"

Then Kelly and I are relaxing on the couch and she has her legs propped up on mine and I'm rubbing her ankle. Ava charges into the room and suddenly stops and with wide eyes in shocks says "Why are you touching my mom's legs? Are you keeping her warm?"

When we dropped the kids off to spend several days with her ex-husband, Aiden was excited and eager to have me meet his dad. Being 7, he didn't quite catch onto the social ramifications of my presence there and all that it involved, lol. Kelly had talked to them about her dating again so they had some idea of what was going, as young as they are.

Anyways, she'll be here in a couple weeks and then I'll be there in December. Might have to start looking for work there at some point.

Live Free or Die

The NH trip was a fantastic. Kelly is really awesome and we clicked immediately. We'll see what happens... :D

Garbage?

It's sad when the highlight of your week is sneakily getting rid of your garbage in a commercial dumpster, something akin to how Dexter dumps bodies in the ocean. Oh, and beating a video game. I think I prefer life that way though. The past two weekends I have done nothing, really. Sat around, barely left my house, fun times. I had preservice on both Friday nights for our new foster parents. This past Saturday I went and saw TS and got to hold my friend's 3 week old daughter!

I've been talking to a girl for almost two months who lives in NH. I met her on eharmony which was sort of random considering I was very anti-meet-anyone-on-the-internet after the Mexico debacle several years back. I only got on there cuz Matt insisted I check it out. But we clicked and I'm heading out there in less than two weeks. I really haven't been saying much to people since my track record of failed relationship is currently running at 100%. She looks really young, like me, but is 5 months older. She is divorced with three kids, has an awesome personality and is beautiful. I'm driving 1000 miles to meet her so that says it right there.

The kids part doesn't bother me really; it's the ex-husband part that causes me worry. Whatever, God's got it under control. I done my best to get to know her. We've asked each other a million questions. I pretty much put her through a rigorous interview process, haha. Maybe I should focus on how far I've come from the person I used to be instead of all my current flaws.

I've actually reached point where I can go back and read something I've written and be impressed. Not that I'm going to get an ego but... one more step to a dream! I've been putting more time into it but it still needs more. I need a sabbatical.

Ok, peace out...

My Struggle

must be some mistake
'cause i'm not worth the price you paid
with every passing hour
i convince myself that you saw something in me
but i can hear them still
as the whispers laced with hatred fill the room
guess i'm wasting my time
how could you love a man like me

lord i need your strength
'cause i am weak and falling to my knees
who is on my side
'cause i can't tell my friends from enemies
filling up with pain
bitterness controls the air i breathe
what am i fighting for
do you have a plan for me

must be some mistake
'cause i'm not worth the price you paid
with every passing hour
i convince myself that you saw something in me
but i can hear them still
as the whispers laced with hatred fill the room
guess i'm wasting my time
how could you love a man like me

must be some mistake
'cause i'm not worth the price you paid

Countdown

3 weeks, 4 days... hmmmm...

will history repeat itself or will there be a surprising change?

There is no God

The reaction of an aethiest when they die and find themselves in hell has to be priceless. In our stupidity, we think we know more than an all-knowing God... so smart, in fact, that we can proclaim that he does not exist.

I can't read books written by aethiets. I opened one up at Barnes & Noble yesterday. A couple sentences and I start getting mad...

Eastward Bound

I am going to New England at the end of June, for the 4th of July. I think I'm going to throw a Boston Tea Party!

On that note, did you know that are lame government taxes canceled debts? The whole reason debts get canceled (aka settling on credit cards) is cuz you don't freaking have the money to pay it off to begin with. So what does our delightful "Democracy" do? Tax it. That's right.

I love the fact that our government was founded on the fact that people wanted out from under the horrible British rule. A big reason for that? Taxes. Now, we get taxed on everything. They are even talking about raising taxes on cigarettes and alcohol, probably gas, and even adding one onto sugary drinks. Next thing you know, they'll measure your lung capacity and tax you for the air you breath. I probably won't be alive but at some point, if Christ has not returned, our government will be overthrown by a public who is so sick of being screwed over. Democrats, Republicans, it doesn't matter. All wealthy, all liars, and all have the budgeting sense of a 13 year old. If somebody continued to get in debt, would you give them money to help them out? Would you loan money to somebody who would just throw it away? If our government continues to get in more and more debt and can't manage the budget of our nation, why should we continue to give them money?

If it wasn't for the verse that says give to Ceaser's, what is Ceaser's... I wouldn't pay it. $200 wasted cuz the government is greedier than a tax collector...

Level Up!

Is it wrong to get suspicious when something good happens? Haha!

I really don't have much to write about at all. Not yet... maybe later. Been trying to write BUT geez, it takes a long time. I gotta stop trying to edit everything and just write, write, write. It has really helped not working on the weekends. I went from not having enough time to having extra time. And I cut out D&D and haven't been going to Lifeline. I just don't want to go anymore... so I'm just relaxing until God shows me what to do. Maybe I'll try the men's Bible study on Wed nights. Don't know.

On that note... I need to plan a trip to the East Coast. And I think I can easily pull it off... sometime this summer if everything goes well... high fives!

Bridget Jones's Diary

Is it sad that I really enjoyed this movie? And that I had a lot in common with it, haha! Geez, I need a new mancard cuz I think someone stole mine. Dangit... And Gaius Baltar is a gay guy!? What the heck!? The Gaius Baltar! The part where she's running down the street in her underwear... hilarious! I might have to buy that one.

And Moaning Mertle from Harry Potter was in it too, LMAO!

The whole optimistic ending kind of gets old after the same endingto so many movies. Even though it wasn't that great of a movie, I did enjoy the ending of Atonement much better. We need a good ol' pessimistic ending once and awhile.

Btw, the "wonderful" website noaa.gov gives horrible predictions of the weather. It said sunny all day in Demotte with maybe some "scattered sprinkles" BEFORE 1pm. I guess maybe what I failed to look at was what it would be like in Valpo. I left my parents around 3pm and it was raining all the way up until a few miles south of Demotte. I got soaked! On a motorcycle, the rain tends to gather in the crotch and buttcrack areas. Not fun times, haha!

I've been writing again. Actually doing my best to put some time into it. It can be tough. It's so hard to mold sentences together... anyways, it's tough but worth a try, I guess, right...

I don't know if you noticed...

...but I'm kind of a big deal.

Zoom

I haven't driven my car since Thursday... ahhhhhh-sum!

I'm Sorry...

...but I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am...

You Need a Reproduction License

I just want to say that people who abandon their kids really have a special punishment awaiting them. Man or woman, if you give up on your kids in some way, you seriously suck. What gives somebody the right to have that responsibility and not care at all? Well, in our society, that is your automatic right.

In order to drive a car, you need to obtain a permit, get some practice in, and then you can get a license. To legally drive, you must have a license. But guess what! To become a parent, all you need to do is... have sex. You can go out right now and either get pregnant, or impregnate someone, with no special certificate, license, diploma, permit, card, or degree. You can be the biggest jackass in the world and become a mother or father.

People might argue that they government would be taking a person's right away. If I don't have the right to drive a car without a license, why does somebody have the right to become a parent (and allegedly take care of that child for 18 years) without a license? There are many, many people who should not be reproducing.

From the jerk who gets a girl pregnant and then wants nothing to do with her or the child to the drug addict who pimps out their toddler for sex so they can get drug money to the girl who gets pregnant just to keep her loser boyfriend around to the dad who is too busy at work to spend time with his son to the mother who is too busy drinking to take her daughter to the mall. I could keep going and going.

Call me a communist but the more I work in this industry, the more I'm in favor of some sort of screening process for people to become parents. That probably is a step in the direction of a THX 1138 or Equilibrium type of controlled society but... I don't know. All I had to take was a 24 question quiz to get a motorcycle permit. Then there is a an actual riding test to get a license. Same goes for a car.

You can kill somebody in either vehicle. And you can kill somebody as a parent. Or completely screw them up for the rest of their lives... but yet anybody can do it.

PS: It's always the people who shouldn't be reproducing that have the most kids...

A Toast to My Former Self

I rode the bike to work on Friday and rode it up to Liberty on Sunday. Fun times. Now we have some stupid thunderstorms today and it's in the 70s. What a waste! My jacket came in. It's mesh and leather and has pads everywhere. It's actually pretty heavy. I like all the horror stories about bike accidents people deem necessary to impart now that they know I have one.

The bike will be paid off this week. Once state taxes and my next reimbursement check come in, that'll take a HUGE chunk out of the credit card and all the crap I had to pay for. Insurance, registration, jacket, gloves, helmet. Sometimes we forget about all the peripherals...

I've decided that my goal is to become completely content where I'm at in life. I'm not going to think about moving to CA or look for work out there. I'm not going to be a part of a "single's" group. I'm still going to go to the Schiller's Bible study as I definitely need the fellowship. Plus, there are no females that go that I would think about dating. I feel that I often have ulterior motives if I go to Lifeline, or the couple times I went to Transit. I just don't want to be like that. Plus, being the stubborn person as I am, I'm going to take whatever steps to make it seem impossible for something like that to happen. That's what my mom did. And I'm partly doing it because I am just trying not to care.

I've also lost some of my focus on God. It seems the world is a big distraction. Friends go out for drinks or what not. I need to make sure that Christ is my #1 focus and everything else is secondary. I haven't been doing a good job of this but I know how important it is. Not that I've traveled very far off the path. Life just distracts me sometimes from what is really important and what I need to focus on.

Phillipians 3:7-8