Meh

I have a huge headache. And this big stomach acid problem which doesn't seem to go away. Prilosec and Prevacid both failed to work. I looked up some information on stomach acid and there's a lot of aspects of my lifestyle that don't do much to help that. Caffeine, pop, and stress, all of which have been extremely plentiful in my life. I can take of the first two with little problem but the last one is not so easy. I need to get my resume together and find the easiest job in the world.

I'm thinking Gamestop but... who knows. I'm a couple months shy of 30 and I still have no idea what I want to do with my life. I've come such a long way on this journey and I still feel as if I'm at square one in most areas. What a disappointing life it has become. For a couple months there, I got a taste of what I wanted my life to be, of what it could become. But some pieces to the puzzle didn't fit but that's alright.

I'm not sure what else needs to change. I'm stuck in the same old rut again, the same depression, the same locked-in-my-room life. Not that I'm anti-social, I actually chat with a lot of people while I'm gaming but I have no desire to go out and do things, other than maybe see an occasional movie with my family. Ya know the married couples that just vanish once they get married and you see them maybe once a year... that's me... but I'm single.

Which brings me to my next point. This is the first time in my life that I can say I don't want a relationship and don't plan on having one for awhile. Though part of that depresses me, another part of me says good riddance. I just couldn't bring myself to trust someone else at this point. And in many aspects, it is a much better path. Lonely, but peaceful and much less frustrating. I only have myself and my own life to worry about, no one else's.

Also, I've come to accept the fact that I'm pretty much a huge failure at relationships. Some optimists might say I haven't met the right girl yet and she'll come along one day and I'm still really young and those relationships weren't meant to be. After seeing so many girls I hung out with or dated get married shortly after we parted ways... yeah, I would have to look at myself in the mirror and say that I'm to blame. My dad and I agree on the fact that there is no such thing as a "soulmate". My dad pointed out that he knew of a man who was married 3 times. His first two wives passed away. Was just one of those women (the first) his soulmate? So did he travel down a wrong path by marrying the other two? Or were all 3 his soulmates? And isn't that contradictary in a sense?

Anyways... I don't even know if the goals, dreams, and aspirations I had for so long are even worthwhile pursuing. I don't want to spend time and energy getting to know anybody else... just to have it blow up in your face or find out they aren't interested in you anymore. I feel too old for that. The dating seen is for younger people. I just don't have the energy to invest in it and I'm 100% positive whatever relationship I did pursue, would just end eventually. Well, as it stands now, I'm pretty dis... gusted that I can't think of the dis word that I'm looking for. Dishearted? Disinterested? Disenfranchised? Disavowed? Discouraged?

I'm just rambling now cuz I don't feel good and I'm super stressed out. So, I'll sum it all up...

#1 I want a job that does not stress me out, that if I don't look forward too, I at least don't dread. A job that pays my bills and covers life's unexpected surprises like car repairs and medical bills without forcing you to work two jobs.

#2 I want upward mobility. I don't want to go to school for 3 years to get a master's just to be gauranteed 2k more per year. No thanks.

#3 I have come to enjoy being single for the most part. It isn't the present that depresses me but what I expect the future to hold, as represtented by the past. Perhaps that is doubting God and the blessings he is willing to send my way now that I'm focused on him. But I'm a pessimist. I'm sure he's working on that. So, in a sense, I would like to move onto the next stage in life. But I don't think I have what it takes. And I have yet to meet a person, outside of my parents, who can put up with seeing me on a bad day.

#4 Or behind door #4, I could die in my sleep tonight and be in heaven and have all my stress, worries, sicknesses, and fears taken away. No, I absolutely do not have any sort of suicidal desires or tendencies but I'm at a point where I would not complain if today was my last day on Earth. I know where I'm going and all is worthless apart from God. But I've been here before...