Meh

It is an extremely down time for me in life right now. Most people insist 30 is the new 21, 20, 18, 16 whatever but for me, it is definitely the milestone that marks the passage into adulthood, perhaps even the latter half of my life. For some reason I've always pushed for the next thing, the next job, the next relationship, the next step, the next video game, the next movie, the next day... since I've been focusing on my life and realizing that my anger for years was aimed at God when it was mostly my fault the way my life had turned out.

It's not that I'm still single, it's that I've had plenty of chances and for the most part, I screwed them all up. I've taken a look at it and as I stare back down the path, I see a list of girls who have gone on to meet the man of their dreams, marry, and have kids... one might argue that I just never met the right girl but I don't believe in that soulmate, hollywood mumbo-jumbo. What about the man who marries, his wife dies, and he marries again? Are they "both" his soulmates? Anyways, I'm digressing. My point being, based on pure numbers, the problem lay with me. And what would happen if I was given another chance? Not just a casual, dating relationship but a serious one with deep emotions involved? Maybe the next time I'll acknowledge the warnings and not shrug off the warning signs. So do I get another chance... or is it just too late anyways...

Then out of the questions to God about why I am not working a job I love, I again find the fault lies with me. The lack of a solid job history. I wrongly took the aspect of my personality that does not enjoy flawed authority, I've been through many jobs. That has changed now and I've been at two jobs for over a year now and will continue to do my best at either one. But carrying a college degree and still being at the bottom of the ladder after so long does not offer up much job satisfaction. After seeing my friends, my bro, all thriving in the business world and making outrageous amounts of money, nothing lowers your self-esteem by spending "big" and cashing out 50 dollars for a video game... while they buy houses and BMWs and Audis...

So I shut myself in my home, only coming out for work and church. My social life consists of playing video games and interacting with programmed AI with scripted dialogs. I occasionally get on ventrilo and chat with my clan mates. I still do D&D on Wednesday, maybe Lifeline on Tuesdays... but I keep distancing myself. I don't even want to talk to my parents. I'm really not trying to be overdramatic and I'm not wallowing in depression. I'm just addicted to escape.

And last, for most of us, we must accept the fact that we are nobodies. Except for the occasional individual who rises above the rest due to intelligence, athleticism, research, or what have you, we won't even be a blip on the timeline when we pass away. We are unimportant... except for God...

...and in the end, it's all meaningless...