With Great Power...

It's really hard accepting responsibility for my own life, for the direction it took, for the way things have gone. I'm starting to believe that we have more control over our lives than we think we do. Now, I'm not wrestling with the idea of taking control away from God but when I look back on my life, I can easily see where different choices or different circumstances could have led to different future events. Sometimes we use the excuse of God being in charge as a cop-out or as an excuse to be mad at someone.

I've always measured success by money and what you have. I picked a worthless degree and worked a bunch of high school level jobs, changing jobs frequently, which led me to where I am today. Renting, barely able to pay on my school loans, driving a cheap car (that my dad had to sign for... nothing says success like relying on your parents to get you a loan when you're 28). My idea of dropping some big bucks is buying a new video game. So was it really my own choices in work experience and education that led me here? I'm I "unlucky"? Or just have that personality that doesn't put up with all the crap bosses throw at you... probably a little of each. I have enough money for now, I don't really desire lots of "earthly" possessions, but I can't stay here forever. What if I have a family someday?

Which brings me to my next point... apparently, I'm undateable. Unless the most optimistic, calm, understanding, magical woman in the world comes along, you will find me sitting in front of my PC playing video games for many years to come. All the girls I've had serious relationships with are married, minus the most recent. And several guys I've known with the most obnoxious, independent, commitment-phobic personalities are married or engaged. I've come to the conclusion that my personality really sucks! Seriously... I'm just a real jerk! I guess I'm mean, cruel, heartless, vicious... I can see the looks in people eyes, I can read the thoughts and intentions behind the smiles. It hurts but it's true. I still can't quite figure out what about my personality, what exact flaws, differ me from other people. Every single fear that I've had, when it comes to relationships, has happened. Even my brother got married, haha. Now, I know it's not a race but seriously. I've had plenty of chances, dated some awesome girls, and I've screwed up every single one. I can't blame God for anything. It's my choices and the way I am that put me here. I'm going to give it a couple more years and then I'm going to try and adopt (hopefully, the IN subsidy laws have changed by then, haha). Well, I guess I make a horrible boyfriend so I'll suck in the husband department but I KNOW I'll make an awesome dad. I doubt it'll work but I can try and adopt. I love kids anyways. I'll take a son or daughter without the wife part, haha.

Why do I focus on this so much? I guess it's the area that is lacking in my life. I'm in okay health, my job is okay, my life is okay... I'm just not having the greatest day. Maybe I shouldn't blog on days like today, lol. Maybe my goals and dreams just suck too... I'm willing to accept God's plan but at 30, I still have no idea what that is. It's not to work a great job with great money, it's not to get married, sooooo... I've never had a desire to do missions work, I don't really have a desire to go somewhere else (though San Diego is nice), and even then, I wouldn't be able to find a job somewhere else... I feel like an island, lots of friends but none really close. I'm going to wake up one day and my life will have passed me by.

But in the end, all I can do is work on myself. Every week is the same routine. I need to just throw my goals and dreams to the wind and not even plan for next week. None of my goals have ever come to pass anyways... I honestly think the idea of setting goals is completely pointless, especially if God has other plans...

Oh, and what the HECK is with gaining weight while I'm working out. Now, I don't have the healthiest diet but I've been slowly putting more fruit and vegetables into it, eating less, and I'm freaking gaining weight... fantastic... I'm almost to the point where I've built up enough willpower to just not eat... if that's what it takes...